I was eight years old the first time that I thought my body was bad—that it was not “normal” or “regular.” This was not something that I realized by waking up one morning and looking at my eight year old body and thinking that it was bad or not “normal.” It was comments that others made about my body—the body of an eight years old—that caused me to think that.
By eight years old, I was already told that I was fat. This was something said to me by family members and by strangers. When I was five years old and had full, chubby cheeks, these same people would pinch my cheeks and say how cute I was, being a little chubby. But being chubby at eight was wrong. I was no longer cute. I was told my stomach was too big, my arms were too big, and that my legs were too big. Adults would compare how their very thin arms and legs were thinner than mine. My body was not normal—it was bad.
I was too young to know or understand any better and I believed them. I believed that I should not like my stomach, or my arms, or my legs. That they were too big. That they were bad. That my body was bad. I did not understand what that meant—but I was being taught–and thus was learning that my body was bad.
I had not thought about when the hate for my body started until earlier this week. I had blocked those memories from my mind. As I write this, I have an image of my body at eight years old. I do not remember my face, or if I was smiling, or where I was, or what I was doing. All I remember is my “bigger than normal” stomach and my “bigger than normal” legs and how they were bad.
It has now been approximately 20 years since I first learned that my body was bad. It has been 20 years of society reminding me, at every chance they get, whether directly or indirectly, that my body is still bad. That it has always been bad.
Why am I writing about this 20 years later? Now, I have finally come to a point where I am choosing to start loving my body. And in this process, I am starting to get to know my body—a body that I have disconnected from because it was and has always been seen as “bad.”
I am excited to start this difficult, long journey. I am ready to get to know my body and to learn to love my body. I am ready to learn how to love every fat roll, every bruise and scar, every stretch mark, every dimple. And to do this, I needed to start by discovering how I got to this point where I hate my body in the first place.
In this blog, I plan to talk about the hurt and the pain of the two decades of hating my body. I plan to share my experiences of being in my large body and to talk about all the many ways I have tried to change my body. Most importantly, this blog will be a place where I share my journey of trying to get to know and love my body. This will not be easy, but it will be worth it.
Thank you for being so open and honest in sharing your story!
Thank you for reading! And thank you for your support with getting me started on this!
It was the end of 5th grade when I first realized I was a bit larger than my friends. My parents divorce over the previous few years spurred my disordered eating and I kept growing… Thank you for helping me remember that, I had forgotten. And I am here right alongside you in this journey, friend. What you are doing here is amazing and you are so beautiful inside and out. Today is the day we stop letting others tell us how we should feel in our “home.” 💕
Thank you for sharing your story! I think it becomes so ingrained in us that we forget where it all started. I am finding that remembering it, although painful, can help us heal.
Thank you for starting and sharing this! First of all- that picture- super cute! Second, it is so sad that with girls so early the society and families focus on looks and erase all of their wonderful memories with memories of being shamed or feeling uncomfortable in their bodies. Interestingly, I was 8 when my mom decided I was too fat and put me on a diet and diet pills…Yikes! And then Jason gives me s*it about why I cannot love my body and accept it. It is so hard after so many years of negative messaging and being told there is only one body type that is right and that will make us happy. It is so wrong and I am so glad you are sharing your stories and your journey. Love you lots and excited to learn more <3
Thank you for sharing your story! Unfortunately, all these messages are so common and as young children we learn to hate our bodies when we don’t even know them. I will be doing a “diets I went on that made me miserable and didn’t work series” (still working on the title of course). So stay tuned for that.
But this is exactly why I decided to start this. I think so many of us feel alone in this journey and it’s so important to share our stories. Thank you for sharing!
Thank you for sharing your experience! It’s hard to read about the negative comments, it hits home for me literally. My experience was similar to yours but I endured and still do comments on being “thin” or not “thick” enough for the ideal body type (yes, comments from family members). It’s funny cause it was never a problem for me when I was out with friends or other people, and still it made me feel bad and self conscious about my body. The last 5 years literally realised that the comments don’t matter if you feel good in your own skin, and I do.
I’m glad I read this, you are a great writer. Keep it up!
Thank you for sharing your story! Yes, comments about our bodies not being ideal—whether “too thin” or “too fat”—are not okay. And I think it’s even more damaging when it is done to us as children and when it comes from family.
This is very bold sharing this sis, and I would have never known that pain existed. Thank you for sharing! Lastly, you are beautiful inside and outside and I am so proud to call you a friend and a sister from another mother. Proud of you.
Thank you for the kind words! I am so lucky to have you as my friend and my bro!